Why do you want to be alone during menopause?
There can be lots of different reasons, but I think one of the main ones is simply overstimulation.
We’re overstimulated by everything that’s going on around us: society, the news, social media, our work and the people we spend time with.
Even shopping can feel like a nightmare sometimes!
There are moments when we just want peace and quiet. We want a little bit of stillness.
It can be emotionally draining, too. We’re constantly trying to please everybody else, still doing everything we need to do at work and perhaps at home, when all we really want to do is rest and, basically, switch our minds off.
Menopause, social demands and mood changes
There can be social demands as well.
Your friends might want you to go out, or want to talk to you at nine o’clock at night because something is happening in their lives. Your family might be demanding more of your time, too.
At the same time, you may be experiencing more anxiety, mood changes and emotional ups and downs during perimenopause or menopause. This can make being sociable, acting happy and pretending that everything is OK much more difficult.
Sometimes, you simply want to be left alone. But sometimes, you simply enjoy your own company. I know I did. I loved the time when I could just shut the world out and have that little bit of peace and quiet in my head.
And there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way.
There’s nothing wrong with needing time alone
We seem to think that because things have changed, and because we don’t feel the same way we used to, there must be something wrong with us.
But sometimes, with all the physical, emotional and mental changes going on during menopause, we simply need some solitude. We need time alone to reset and re-energise.
That’s why I’m such a proponent of 30 minutes of ‘me time’ every day. I’ve seen what it did for me, and I’ve also heard from so many other women who have told me it made a huge difference to them.
But there is a problem. When you start spending more time alone, you can also begin to feel more lonely.
Why can you feel lonely when you want to be alone?
This is where things can become confusing. You might genuinely want time by yourself, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to feel lonely or isolated.
A lot of this can come down to feeling misunderstood. You might feel that you can’t talk to anybody else because nobody knows what you’re going through. Maybe you feel misheard. Maybe you don’t feel heard at all.
Or perhaps you feel completely unseen. I think this is a big one for women in their 40s and 50s. We suddenly change, and we’re no longer the vibrant young person we once were. We can feel as though we’ve suddenly become completely invisible.
The role of oxytocin and feelings of connection
Oxytocin is a hormone involved in social behaviour, bonding and feelings of connection, and it’s something researchers have been looking at in relation to menopause.
Some research suggests that oxytocin levels may change during the menopausal transition, although the relationship between oxytocin, menopause and how we feel emotionally is still not fully understood. [1]
What we do know is that menopause can affect our mood, relationships and social life, and many women notice that their needs and feelings around connection change.
Finding the right balance between solitude and connection
You don’t have to go out and be sociable all the time. You don’t have to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine.
It’s about having the right connections with the right people.
This is why I find it really interesting that some women reach a point where they let go of some of their friendships and tend to stick with the people who are closer to them.
You can end up with a smaller social group, but these are people you might feel much closer to.
They might understand you. They might be happy to listen to you. And, importantly, they still see you as the person you are.
How to stay connected when you need more time alone
One way of doing this is by creating a smaller social group.
But even if you’re on your own, you can still stay connected.
There are benefits to social media. You can text people. You can go for a walk with that special friend, your partner or another family member, and have that little bit of special bonding time.
It might be that you have a phone call, but at the right time for you, rather than when you’re really tired and simply want to switch off.
It’s about finding ways to stay connected during menopause without putting pressure on yourself.
Find your menopause support network
You could also find a menopause group.
I say to everybody: if you know one or two people who are going through this with you, why not set up a little group?
You could have monthly meetings and get together socially. You could go to the theatre together or simply do things as a group.
You’re all going through the same thing. You understand each other, but you can still have that lovely sense of connection without anybody putting pressure on you.
Sometimes, having even a small group of people who understand what you’re experiencing can make a huge difference.
You don’t have to choose between being alone and being lonely
As you can see, you don’t have to choose one or the other. You don’t have to be totally alone, and you don’t have to feel lonely. You can find that middle ground between the two.
I know I did, and once you get used to it, it can become a really nice, comfortable place to be.
Wanting more time alone doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to disconnect from everyone. Sometimes, it simply means that you need time to rest, recharge and reconnect with yourself.
The important thing is finding the balance between solitude and meaningful connection that feels right for you.
When to Seek Support
Everyone experiences perimenopause and menopause differently. Wanting more time alone or feeling less sociable can be a normal part of this transition, but if you’re feeling persistently low, anxious, isolated or finding it difficult to cope, it’s important to seek support.
Speak to your GP if you’re concerned about how you’re feeling or how your symptoms are affecting your everyday life. They can talk through your symptoms and the support or treatment options available to you.
If you’re struggling emotionally and need someone to talk to, you can contact Samaritans free, day or night, on 116 123.
Has menopause changed the way you socialise?
How did you find this?
Did you want to shut yourself away during perimenopause or menopause? Did you find friendships falling away because you didn’t want to socialise?
Or did you find that special person or that special group who made you feel seen and heard?
Please share your stories, they may help other women experiencing this too.
Sources:
[1] Oxytocin and women's health in midlife - PubMed
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The surprising hormone that can impact your relationships & emotions during menopause
7 Silent Emotional Symptoms of Menopause That We Need To Talk About More
